The first time we brought our children to church, they were each less than a month old. Our daughter was just over a week, and our son was just five days old. I had all the normal new mom fears of germs and crowds, but neither had medical issues that forbade it, and church was so much a part of our lives that as long as our new baby and I were able to handle it, we wanted to be there.
Bringing a baby to church was relatively easy. I wore both of mine in a sling, which encouraged them to sleep and discouraged curious bystanders from getting too close. Both were good sleepers and stayed quiet through the church service, and when they were old enough, the church nursery was there with open arms. All the way through their preschool years, our church children’s ministry has kept them and loved on them and allowed me to experience the worship service in relative peace and quiet.
This year, though, our daughter was in first grade, and she graduated from the preschool “extended care” to “big church.” Many churches offer a children’s program all the way through elementary school, providing an alternate children’s church time while older siblings and parents participate in the “adult” service. Ours doesn’t, however, and I am glad. Instead, they encourage elementary children to participate in “big church” and be a part of the church community.
All of which can be easier said than done. Children can be wiggly, curious, noisy, inquisitive, talkative, and disturbingly honest, all of which can wreak havoc in a church sanctuary. But sitting quietly through a religious service is a life skill that everyone needs, whether you attend regularly or not, and while it has been a training time for all of us, this year has also been a sweet time of seeing our daughter grow in this area.
Perhaps you are dealing with this every week, like we have, or perhaps you are preparing to attend services in a setting that is unfamiliar to your child. Here are ten things that have helped us have peace in the pews. (A resource that we have found helpful is a book, Parenting in the Pew, by Robbie Castleman. It is a great guide for parents who want to help their children not just behave in a religious service but actively participate and get something out of it.)
- Have realistic expectations. Your child may not know how to be quiet the first time. He or she may have lots of questions. He may be bored. She may get tired. Do not expect to be able to sit there the same way you do without them without any interruptions, and do not expect your child to behave as well as an adult, especially their first time.
- Have high expectations. At the same time, children can learn, even the first time, what it means to be quiet and respectful in a religious service. They can learn how to listen, how to sing the hymns and praise songs, and how to stand or kneel or bow her head for prayer, depending on your tradition. Children in the past have done it, and children today are capable of it, too.
- Communicate your expectations. Talk to your child about what kind of behavior you expect. Let them know ahead of time what kinds of things will be happening in the service. If you can, visit the house of worship in advance so your child can see what is there and ask questions about what everything is.
- Pray with and for them in advance. Let them be a part of the solution and ask God to help them to understand what is happening in the service.
- Arrive early. For one, you will be calmer if you are not running late, and a calmer mom always helps to have a calmer child. But arriving early also will help you with the next two items.
- Choose your seat carefully. Consider what will be going on, both in the service and with your child. Do you want to sit close to the front, so they can see what is going on, especially if something special is happening like a baptism or infant dedication? Or in the back, in case you need to make a speedy exit? I always prefer sitting on the end of a pew because it tends to be easier for my daughter to see and, when she asks me questions, it is less bothersome to others.
- Help them focus. If your service has a bulletin or some other printed order of worship, take time before the service starts to look at it. My daughter likes to know exactly where we are and checks off each portion of the service as we finish. You can also help your child focus with a simple listening guide. Our church provides one that asks children to write down the Scripture from the sermon each week, their favorite song, a picture of what the sermon is about, and to listen for certain words. It helps to keep my daughter’s attention.
- Set a good example. As tempting as it may be, I am NOT a fan of giving children electronic devices to keep them quiet during a religious service, but we adults need to set an example for that. If we sneak a peek at our phone during a service, that sends a message to them as well. They watch us ever so closely! We can show them how to behave by listening attentively, following along in the Scriptures, or a prayer book, or whatever applies, and showing them how to stand, kneel, bow, and sit at the appropriate times.
- Talk about the service later. On the way home, ask your child about the service, what they liked, or questions they had. This communicates importance for the next time you go.
- Make it a regular thing. Like anything else in life, practice makes perfect. Children who only go to a restaurant once a year will not get to practice their restaurant manners very easily. In the same way, when going to religious services is a habit and not the exception, they learn how to not only behave, but value the community to which they belong.
