Ah, neighborhood Facebook groups. A great place to get to know your closest neighbors, trade recipes and share stories. Or a place to air all your dirty laundry, complain about anything and everything and generally alienate anyone within walking distance of your home.
I have spent way too much time in my local neighborhood group and after hearing about similar groups and conversations, I discovered that there are common themes and personality types that tend to dominate these spaces. So if you’ve ever spent time in a neighborhood group, you will recognize these folks, and maybe you are even one of them!
This sweet soul posts anytime she sees a new face, a car alarm is set off, or that squirrel gives her a dirty look. Danger is everywhere, y’all, and if you don’t see it, then you’re just living in a fantasy land. You may see harmless teenagers playing basketball, but she sees a gang coming for her jewels. Stay vigilant or you’ll be the next victim!
This person loves to post the hottest gossip or complain about “kids these days,” but never gives quite enough information on the individual who has displeased him, but don’t you worry. THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE.
This guy has been in the neighborhood since dinosaurs roamed and he can tell you for a fact that we are all going to hell what with our rock music and lax parenting attitudes. He comments on just about every thread, tying the current lack of stop signs to the state of the nation and how things are only going to get worse if we don’t take action now. Action against what? No one is quite sure. But for the love of all that is holy, do NOT ask the Know-It-All follow-up questions. If you do that, you might be…
This person has the sheer audacity to engage with the rest of humanity and ask for more details, question whether or not a post is valid or even if *maybe* we might be stereotyping a tiny bit in finding certain people suspicious. This person is generally disdained by the types of people above and overcompensates with humor and carbohydrates. (I might be this person.)
The Meme Generator
This keyboard warrior wades into the hottest of topics armed with nothing but the finest memes money time on the internet searching really strange phrases can find. In their arsenal is no less than one “here to watch the show with popcorn” images, at least one Michael Jackson themed picture and if they are really on their game, a GIF of someone judgmentally shaking their heads in horror.
And the one person you may never meet but owe a plate of cookies to is…
The Overworked Moderator
This is the person working tirelessly behind the scenes moderating the more “entertaining” threads, shutting down comments when they reach into the hundreds, deleting comments or posts that cross into the obscene and generally trying to keep us at least halfway civil. Buy that guy a beer.