My kids are four and seven. As a result of seven years of motherhood, while for the most part, I’m still completely clueless, I’ve amassed a certain amount of knowledge as to when to keep my mouth shut or, better yet, when to just run and hide. Below are five lessons I’ve learned about what not to say to a preschooler.
1. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.”
Now, obviously, you wouldn’t say this if you were in a crowded shopping center or the middle of the street (well, most days you wouldn’t). But when at home, it’s easier to retrieve a missing shoe from another room, or for Pete’s sake, just go to the bathroom, alone. If you have any hope of achieving this, it’s best to wait until their little backs are turned, run like the wind, and lock the bathroom door behind you. This will at least give you a head start before they notice you’re gone and hunt you down like you’re the Easter Bunny with the last bag of M&Ms on earth. Otherwise, be prepared for company.
2. “Shhhh. I’m on the phone.”
Preschoolers don’t understand the need for quiet while you’re on the phone any more than they understand “wait here.” Any conversation you try to have, whether with your boss or your doctor’s office, will be accompanied by “I waaaaannna talk to Graaaaaaammmmy!” or some equally beloved relative. And, let me tell you, only Grammy actually thinks this is cute. I once answered a call from my boss in the presence of a three-year-old and a sleeping infant, who, within five seconds of my answering the phone, woke up and obliterated her diaper. And my three-year-old wanted to talk to … you guessed it, Grammy. I still have my job but have learned to embrace caller ID and voice mail. To say “ssshhh” while you’re on the phone is a waste of breath. Grab the phone, and run and hide. See #1.
3. “What do you want to wear today?”
Unless it’s Halloween, you’re going to a rodeo or Disney on Ice, or you just have no regard for weather, don’t do this to yourself. My kids would wear a princess dress, a cowboy hat and holster, or bathing suits every day if given the option. Thankfully my son will blindly put on whatever I lay out for him, but with my daughter, it is a battle of the wills. Offer a choice of two outfits, go flexible on the accessories, and hope for the best. Yesterday we got dressed and spent the next 20 minutes deciding on the right princess shoes, necklace, headband, and crown. This was a good day. You might think my kids will wear whatever I tell them to and they will like it. Good luck with that. The age of three was designed to tear you down and break your spirit.
4. “Don’t touch that.”
This, too, is simply just a waste of breath. These little ankle-biters just cannot resist something shiny or new and the freedom they’ve been afforded to get within arms-length of it. The first time I allowed my son to walk with me in the grocery store instead of riding in the buggy, I turned my back to throw some onions in a bag, and the next thing I knew he was tossing the contents of the raw peanut bin like it was a bucket-full of gold coins. Keep them in the buggy – or better yet at home – until you start to get weird looks.
5. “We might go to the (insert your kid’s favorite spot – zoo/pool/park) today!”
Don’t even go there unless you’re 100% prepared to get your behind in the car and get to said place, pronto. They will ask you every 3.5 minutes when you’re leaving, and heaven forbid it doesn’t pan out. “But you said!!!” My kids love Riverbanks Zoo (what’s not to love?). But let’s face it, no one loves a trip to the zoo when it’s pouring rain. Better to keep those plans a secret and spring the surprise on them when you’re within eye-shot of the parking lot. Same rule of thumb applies to playdates – combine a highly anticipated playdate with a sick friend and what you’re left with is catastrophic disappointment. Better to just set the bar low for the day and get extra points for surprises.
Choose your words carefully and stay one step ahead in this game we call parenting.
What have you learned not to say to your preschooler?
Screaming Toddler Photo credit: nateOne / Foter / CC BY-NC; Supermarket Photo credit: fazen / Foter / CC BY-ND
———————————————————————————————————————–
Leigh Thomas is a wife and mom of two residing in Chapin. She settled in the Columbia area after graduating from the University of South Carolina College of Journalism and Mass Communications in 2001. A communications professional by day, she is still trying to find the perfect work-home balance and runs in her spare time to stay sane. A near life-long writer, she pursues freelance writing and copyediting opportunities and recently launched her blog, Literalleigh, as a home for all the stories in her head.
