I’m not sure there is anything in the world more polarizing than parenting.
Pre-baby, I thought abortion and civil rights were as bad of a dinner table conversation as you could ask for … but I have learned I was wrong.
I discovered mommy judgement.
If you haven’t, then please, stop reading this and go about your everyday life. You’ll be much happier that way.
Mommy judgement is a type of peer hating cancer … one that I, unfortunately, have found myself infected with (even before my son was born).
I can understand how it all starts. We are all here caring for the most important thing in the world: our child. As we travel on our parenting journey, we discover what works best for raising our kids.
For example, your child likes the swing and is easily calmed that way. He thrives on routine. He sleeps well when he is swaddled. Your child. Not my child. And since it’s your child, you know best, and if I don’t do the same as you, I’m either not as good as you or my choice is threatening the validity of you choice.
See how quickly we slide down the rabbit hole?
We automatically find ourselves questioning the intelligence and instincts of parents who do not make the same decisions that we do. This happened fairly frequently in day to day pre-baby life (I’d never let my baby do THAT), but it never seemed to carry quite as much weight as before (once you become a parent your perspective is different).
When discussing how our choices impact the future, how do you come to terms with someone whose choices and opinions seem fundamentally different from your own?
Being the person that I am (friendly, opinionated, in love with appropriate social boundaries), I realized very quickly that the only choice worth judging in parenthood is the choice to shame others.
Being a mom isn’t easy and we all need all the support we can get. It is our children’s job to give us grey hair, not nosy Nancy’s down the street asking you why on earth you’d do x when z is so much better/easier/cheaper/I did this so you should too-er. We are in this thing together, for better or for worse.
So how do we make it easier?
Integrate. Discuss. Talk. Be friends.
Un-ban the taboo topics and have a conversation while keeping your big girl britches on. High five a mom for making a decision in the best interest of her children. Learn to say, “I didn’t do it that way” without adding a but or a why.
Take down the walls in your mind about why x, y, or z is a terrible parenting decision and listen to their reasons for doing it (if they are explaining them to you. Don’t ask unless you are genuinely, harmlessly interested. No one likes a mommy instigator). If you see a mommy doing something you don’t agree with but baby is safe, it’s better to not stick your nose in.
Think of the times that you’ve had someone make a positive comment about your parenting choices and pay them forward. Make a mommy’s day.
I’m a baby wearing, public breast feeding, baby at the office, WOHM/WAHM hybrid mama. I know my choices are different than others, and that’s okay. Your choices are okay too.
Remember, we’re all in this together, so high fives to all of you. You’re doing a great job, moms.
