Having The Talk :: Making Tough Decisions about End-of-Life Care

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You’ve been putting it off for too long now. You sit down, take a deep breath. You’re uncomfortable and you haven’t even begun talking yet. You can do this, you tell yourself. If you don’t have “The Talk” right now, you may regret it.

No, I’m not referring to the birds and bees talk. I mean The Talk. The most important talk you can have with your loved ones. Answering all the What ifs? that we pray we won’t have to face anytime soon:

What if something happens to me? What if something happens to my spouse? What if something happens to both of us? What will happen to our child(ren)?

You need to do more than just worry. You need to have a plan.

Talk about your options

Right before my 31st birthday, my OB/GYN told me she found a polyp on my uterus that would need to be removed. It would be a minor procedure — in and out in no time — but I would have to be “put under” for the first time. Hearing all the “worst case scenarios” that she’s legally obliged to share, I began picturing myself in a vegetative state, a personal fear worse than death. Did my husband, who’d known me for almost a decade, know that I wouldn’t want to remain on life support? And so we had The Talk.

No one will care for your child exactly as you would, but by taking some time now you can ensure that xxxxxxxxxxx
Take some time now to decide the best person to care for your child if the worst happens.

Looking at the living will and healthcare power of attorney paperwork my doctor had provided me, my husband admitted that as much as he wanted to respect my wishes, he couldn’t promise that he would be able to “pull the plug” should the time come. After much discussion, I assigned my healthcare power of attorney to my best friend, who is a medical professional, and who I trusted would know when it was time to let go.

As difficult as that discussion was, it paled in comparison to The Talk we had to have once our son was born. No parent wants to think of the possibility of her child — especially when he is still so young and helpless — growing up without her. But even more frightening was the thought of my child going to whichever relative was first in stepping up to take him. While I have no doubt that anyone related to me by blood or marriage would love my child and care for him the best way they know how, I wanted a say in how he’d be raised in the absence of me and his father.

Once I allowed my mind to think those dark thoughts we spend so much time trying to avoid, my choice came surprisingly easily. My heart knew right away who would love my son like her own. And perhaps even more surprisingly is that there was little further discussion to be had: My husband named the same relative.

The next step was, of course, to ask this person, as not everyone wants to assume the responsibility of raising someone else’s child. I remember texting her and arranging a time to talk via phone because “I have a question for you.” After chatting for a while, I took a deep breath, suddenly nervous — How exactly do I ask this? What if she says no? — and told her, through tears, that if something were to happen to us, my husband and I would like for her to raise our son. “I thought you were going to ask if you could come stay with us on your next visit up here!” she half laughed, half cried. After she talked it over with her husband, we had a guardian for our child.

Putting your plans on paper

paperwork
Documents such as wills and “living wills” make your wishes known and prevent confusion down the line.

The Talk is so important. How can anyone know what you want if you don’t verbalize it? But in today’s world where end-of-life decisions too often play out as courtroom dramas, talking about it isn’t enough. You have to make it legal. Fortunately, this is much easier than making the decisions.

Columbia family lawyer and mediator Shawn Reeves recommends that each parent “execute a Last Will and Testament, General Durable Power of Attorney, Declaration of Desire for Natural Death (or ‘Living Will’), and Health Care Power of Attorney all at the same time.” The Last Will and Testament is where parents can name a guardian in the event of their deaths. This is also the place where Shawn recommends parents name a trustee (who can be the named guardian or a different person) to oversee the trust: “The trust specifies how the parents’ assets are to be used for the benefit of the minor children and how any remaining assets are to be distributed to the children once they reach adulthood.”

The “Living Will” specifies a person’s desire for or rejection of life support systems. The General Durable Power of Attorney gives another person the power to sign legal documents on your behalf, while the Health Care Power of Attorney gives another person the power to make healthcare decisions on your behalf.

Putting your life in someone else’s hands is hard; putting your child’s life in someone else’s hands is even harder. Do whatever you can now to have a say in whom those hands belong to. Think about it. Have The Talk. Make your decisions legal.

Today is National Healthcare Decisions Day (NHDD). NHDD was created to encourage Americans to think about advance care planning. To learn more about advance care planning and the resources available to help you make these difficult decisions, visit www.nhdd.org.

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Cheryl Glantz Nail
The new mom of a baby boy, Cheryl Glantz Nail started her blogging and freelance writing career in 2008. She has written articles for several blogs and websites, including 24/Savvy and InterfaithFamily.com. Shortly after moving to Columbia, she turned her love of content writing and social media into a career in communications, currently serving as the Community Relations Director for a local non-profit. Prior to this career change, she enjoyed 10 years in education, both in the classroom and as a curriculum developer. When she isn't in front of her computer or wiping up baby drool, Cheryl can be found curled up with a young adult novel and a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream, looking at cats on Instagram, or attempting to be artsy. She blogs at Take a Second Glantz (www.secondglantz.com/blog), trolls Pinterest for recipes she'll probably never cook, and sleep tweets during late-night feedings.

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