My husband and I have five children. A “large” family. I know some wonderful families that are “larger,” but five still puts us pretty far out of the norm. And yes, we get a lot of questions and comments, most well-meaning. The question I get the most, though, is “How do you do it?” To me this is kind of obvious. You ‘do it’ by doing it. You can’t exactly give a kid back when you get overwhelmed. You take a deep breath, decide what the next thing you need to do is, and you strap a baby on your back and do it. But if you want a more specific answer, here are some that have worked for me over the past 11 years:
Give yourself credit for accomplishments big and small
If you’re going to embark on a major guilt trip for minor offenses (Did you lose your cool and forget to use your Michelle Duggar voice? Did you accidentally put the Sofia the First water bottle in your eight-year-old son’s lunch box?), you might as well do the opposite, too. Celebrate little victories, like having the kids fight over the last of the roasted cauliflower, or giving the baby just the right amount of prune juice (enough to relieve constipation, not so much that you want to quit cloth diapering). Well done, mama.
Set limits and don’t feel guilty about them
My kids want to do All The Sports. Due to time and finances, they choose one each, with extras like Run Hard and summer swim being considered on a season-by-season basis. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if your family were smaller your daughter could do that dance solo she wants, or the boys could add a third or fourth sport, or you could take that family trip to the Galapagos (I’ve heard it’s kind of boring). Nobody can do everything, so prioritize, and don’t feel guilty about setting the limits that are right for your family.
Pick your battles, but fight them well
Does your toddler want to go out dressed like Punky Brewster? If you’re going to church, suit up for that battle, mama. If you’re going to Target, Do Not Engage. Also, do not fight battles that you cannot win. Don’t try to change Pizza Fridays to Use-Up-All-The-Veggies-From-The-Farmers-Market Fridays. Trust me. On the other hand, if there is something important to you, stand strong. We can take our kids to a restaurant and they will sit (fairly) quietly in their seats and finish their food. They were not born knowing how to do this, but it’s something we worked hard to teach because our weekly dinners out are our Sunday treat. We want to enjoy them, and that is not possible with kids jumping off their chairs every three minutes. So yeah, we are strict at restaurants. And about Church clothes. And about everyone having and doing chores around the house. And about only watching PG movies. Most battles are worth fighting.
Develop a thick skin
There’s a specific point where you go from being a family to being a “large family” and that is kid #4. If you have a “large family” people are allowed to ask you about your reproductive choices and habits and it is apparently totally acceptable. There’s a specific point where you go from being a “large-but-still-acceptable” family to being a “they-must-want-a-reality-show” family, and that is kid #5. If you have this kind of family, people will say things like “Get you tubes tied already” even though you are standing on the other side of an open partition at the dance studio.
Have fun
Eat dinner together as a family. Enjoy the soccer games and dance recitals. Play board games. Go out and do things that don’t have a specific start or end time.
Don’t be afraid to change the way you parent
Maya Angelou said, “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” I’m not going to go into specifics about topics like sleep methods, discipline, or eating habits. But I will say, I am a better parent now than I was 11 years ago. I hope tomorrow I’ll be a better parent than I am today. That doesn’t mean that when my oldest was a baby I didn’t give him the very best I had; it just means my best got better. It’s called growth. Embrace it.
Do you have a large family? What advice would you add?
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Laura Ramis used to teach seventh grade English and drama, but after her first was born she switched her attention to the preschool crowd. At the moment she works from home helping to develop a local Spanish immersion program and working as a freelance educational content writer. Originally from Puerto Rico, she and her husband moved to Lexington 7 years ago. They have five children, ages 11, 10, 8, 2 and (almost) 1. You can find her gluing rhinestones on dance costumes or watching her boys play soccer. She’s the one with a baby wrapped on her back.
