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A Kid’s Guide to Leaving the House in 8 Easy Steps

After a recently colorful morning (and I am not talking the watercolor that is the sky when I wake up at the crack of dawn), I determined that children are hardwired with a guide to knock mom back down from her hopes and dreams of the unicorn that is a flawless morning.

  1. Demand a wardrobe change. The tag on your shirt is itchy, your shorts are too blue, and those most certainly not the pair of Paw Patrol underwear you wanted to wear today. If you are told a wardrobe change will not be happening, skip ahead to number 3, and carry out as you see fit.
  2. Give the keys to the baby. They’re just like a rattle, only way better. They’re shiny, they have buttons, and most importantly, she’s really not supposed to have them. Mom and dad each have a key so if one gets lost they have a backup – no big deal.
  3. Throw fits like confetti. Keep your parents on their toes. Throw a fit about any and everything. Yes, you may have liked waffles two mornings ago, in fact you loved them. But how dare dad try to offer them to you today for breakfast. You need to have a good cry about this. In the middle of their bathroom floor, while they’re trying to get ready. 
  4. Request more food. It was very kind of mom to offer you more eggs, 20 minutes ago before she washed the pan and put everything away. It’s a bummer you weren’t hungry then. Now, you on the verge of starvation. You must express this desire at all costs, resort to number 3 if necessary.
  5. Give lots of hugs/love. Dad got out of the house without that 16th hug (how dare he). Mom may offer to call him (since he is already at work) but that simply will not due. Repeat number 3.
  6. Lose your shoes. It doesn’t matter that you wore them last. Continue to disregard the number of times you are told to put them back in the shoe bin, by the door, so that you’ll always know where they are. Remember only this – it is SO MUCH MORE FUN to kick them off in a fit of joy (or rage – depending on the circumstances) as you enter the house. So, your guess is really as good as anyone’s as to where they are. Don’t really look for them, if they aren’t in your hand or on your feet, then they should be deemed lost. Since hey are lost, a parent’s immediate attention should be called to the situation for a search and rescue.
  7. Forget something. Remember that toy, the one you were playing with six weeks ago? It’s really small and nondescript. It could be under the couch, in the pocket of some pants that went through the laundry, or in the bottom of the toy bin. You have no clue where it is, and that doesn’t matter, but you desperately need it. Now. Express your inability to function today without. This is best timed when you see that you are about to walk out the door. If you are unable to drive the point home, go ahead and remind yourself about number 3.
  8. Go to the bathroom. Yes, it is understood the most ideal time for this is when you are still in the house, but here’s the thing, it isn’t until you hear the click of your seatbelt that you knew you have to go. Again. There is no way you can hold the three drops that are going to come out until you get to your destination. And if you aren’t using the potty – just go ahead and have a big ‘ol blowout in your diaper. Bonus points if you get it in the car seat. Game over, you win, if you get it on mom and she has to change.

What are some of the steps in your child’s guide to get out of the house?

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