“I Love Your Blue Shirt!” Learning to Accept a Compliment

“I love your blue shirt, Mama,” she beamed as I walked in to the room.

“This old thing?” I thought to myself as I quickly glanced down at the pilling cotton. What’s to love about this old thing?

“Thank you, sweet girl,” I responded and complimented her fancy new back to school shirt.

I have been thinking a lot about that exchange lately. About how sincere my 3-year-old daughter was in her compliment and about how quick I was to deflect it.

At some point in my almost thirty years I lost the ability to take a compliment. To truly take to heart the sweet words sent forth and not immediately turn it around and make it less than. I am not sure when it happened. There isn’t a Timehop notification with a picture of my awkward preteen self, caption reading “On this date in the late 1990’s you became completely and irrevocably self-aware.” But it happened … not only to me, but also to almost every woman I know.

How many times have you told your best girlfriend her hair looks fabulous and she shrugs it off with a, “Ha! That might be because I actually washed it today.”

Or maybe you notice another preschool mama who has bounced back to her pre-baby weight and instead of beaming with pride she puts her head down and replies, “It’s not me. The baby is stealing all my calories.”

It is as if we as women, as mothers, have become completely incapable of accepting the tiniest bit of niceties without feeling some short of shame about it. Are we afraid of being looked at as conceited or narcissistic? Or do we fear that the person giving us the compliment is being insincere and we are somehow being set up “Never Been Kissed/Mean Girls” style?

In one of my mommy group Facebook pages a friend asked a group of 100 or so women, many of whom do not know each other, “How would YOU compliment yourself? What positives would you list on say, a resume or match-making site? What is *good* about YOU?”

A seemingly simple request, right?

I found myself over-analyzing my response to the question, wondering how it would be perceived. Do I go with loyal and kind? Witty and fun? If I had to write a Match.com profile to find a date, how would I describe myself to make myself a desirable match? Why, oh why is describing my best characteristics so darn difficult?

Perhaps one of the reasons accepting a compliment in the flesh is so hard is because we are more prone to taking and giving them via social media. We as a society have been altering our true selves on Facebook or Instagram to become more “likable.” So naturally this would transpire into our day to day interactions. I have never replied to a complimentary comment on Facebook with anything less than a thank you, certainly never with an “Oh, please! This selfie has been filtered so many times you can barely tell it’s me.”

So now that I acknowledge the behavior, how can I change it?

First, I am going to pause before I respond the next time someone pays me a compliment. Instead of immediately deflecting, I am going to quiet my inner critic and accept that whomever is speaking to me genuinely thinks my hair looks amazing or my pot roast is the tenderest morsel they have ever had the pleasure of eating.

Second, I am going to remember that there is kindness behind the words and most likely a desire to bond. When a mom on the playground asks me about my diaper bag, it is her way of opening up conversation and letting me know that we are in this parenting thing together.

Last, I am going to believe that I am worthy of being complimented. This. This is the toughie. But I am going to work hard to quiet those voices in my head shouting, “you could still stand to lose another 10 lbs.” I will do it for my daughter because when she looks at me she is not looking at me through an Instagram filter or a highly edited, well thought out post. She is seeing the true me, the mom she loves whether I am wearing a fancy dress or sweatpants.

And darn it if I don’t rock those sweats!