Understanding a Mother’s Love

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My Dear Mama,

Oh how many times I have fantasized about what it was going to be like to become a mother. Of course, you know well that as a kid I always pretended to be a mom and enjoyed it thoroughly when you let me help out with the little ones. I found it a natural and fitting role and I dreamed about having a family one day. You sure made it look easy!

Growing up, I feared only the pain childbirth causes. Little did I know, the hardest part of having children is not in the labor and delivery room. How would I have fathomed what it entails to not only bring children into the world, but also become forever attached to them? How would I have known that an unusually fierce love is also born along with a new baby? How would I have grasped what it feels like to have my heart live and breathe outside of my body where I can’t protect it anymore?

You knew, but you couldn’t have explained it all to me just yet. And when I was ready to understand, there was no need for explanation.

When I became a mom, I stepped into your shoes for the first time. When I became a mom, I put on your glasses and began to see the world with a different view. When I became a mom, I began to hear your thoughts, feel your fears, live your joy and cry your tears.

You stayed up late nights and worked tirelessly, a job that was often mundane and unseen. Often times, nobody saw how faithfully you attended our every need. On most days, nobody patted you on the back to say what you do matters more than you would ever know. During those years, you often labored behind the scenes with few tangible results to show for your efforts and sometimes, you have felt completely unnoticed.

But I notice you now.

I know what you did for years for me and my siblings. I know that as soon as you cleaned the house up, it was dirty again. I know that the dishes and laundry were never ending, and you often felt beyond exhausted. I know you didn’t have a lot of time for yourself and one of us always needed you as soon as you left the room.

I know you hardly ever got to go to the toilet by yourself and privacy was nonexistent. I know you could hardly wait for your husband to arrive home, but you barely heard each other over the evening chaos. I know some days were so lonely and difficult that you wondered how you would ever get through it.

Still. You woke up each day and thought about us.

You put on a smile, you read books, you kissed boo-boos, and you let little sticky fingers touch all over your clean clothes. You set aside important tasks so you can focus on the most important. You gave up building a carrier to create a warm and stable home for us to grow up in. You chose us instead of yourself, over and over and over again.

And when you received a toothless smile, a warm hug or a kind word from one of us, your heart instantly melted. When you saw us walk for the first time or heard us say “I love you Mama,” you were completely captivated. When you noticed these precious little moments sprinkled throughout the mundane, you realized this is all so worth it. One moment of joy canceled out hours of tiring, selfless service.

Now that I am a mom myself, you stopped being just Mom to me anymore. You turned into a friend, a confidante and a companion who understands even without words the mystery of motherhood.

You don’t expect me to say it, but I thank you.

Thank you for teaching me about second chances and new beginnings. Thank you for your willingness to change still and thank you for trying to see the world through my eyes.  I will keep thanking you for as long as I can, to let you know how grateful I feel to have such a caring, loving mother like you.

You did it for the same reason I do it every day. I was always aware of it, but love changed its meaning when I laid eyes on my children for the first time.

Love became doing the unthinkable, the most difficult, the mundane, the thankless and the tiring if need be, all because of the existence of a tiny human that is the very best part of me.

And I realized that all those years I don’t remember well, all the many occasions I was too busy to notice or all the times I wanted to break free and grow up — all throughout you were there, faithfully doing what you could never stop: deeply and fervently loving me.

I love you too.

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Hilda
Hilda Crowe is originally from Hungary, a small country in Europe, where she grew up to love God, cherish friends and family, cook good food and have a huge desire to make a difference. When on a 6 months long visit with friends in Charleston, SC, she met Donnie and she immediately knew there was something very special about this single dad, ex-military, laid-back country boy. What she didn`t know was that 2 years later she would be willing to pack it all up and make a cross-continental move to the US, to spend the rest of her life with the combo. Since then, in addition to Donnie`s little princess (Nicole,11), Hilda and her husband welcomed a little girl (Haley, 4) and a little boy (Dominick 1.5) who turned their lives completely upside down, in the best possible way. Hilda and her family recently relocated to the Columbia, SC area where she began to make new relationships and discover what the Midlands have to offer. Hilda keeps busy with raising her bilingual children, learning to navigate the challenges of step-parenting a tween and finding healing from depression-anxiety through diet and lifestyle changes. When not chasing after one of her little ones or cooking up a storm in the kitchen, she enjoys spending time with her hubby, reading good literature, running, getting outdoors and creating meal plans for special diets. Hilda is passionate about impacting others by sharing her story, her victories and struggles and pointing to the One who makes life worth living. You can follow her journey at www.intentionallyblended.com.

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