The past two Januaries, I’ve made a resolution many others have made before me … to lose weight. In 2014, I went low carb because it worked well for my husband, and I had a pretty good idea of what it entailed. I was fairly confident I could do it.
And I did … for a few months.
I lost 30 pounds, and was lighter than I had been even on my wedding day in 2005. By the end of the year I had gained about 10 of it back, and in 2015, I vowed to get back on the horse and lose weight again. But I wasn’t so successful. My willpower disappeared. I gained every bit I had lost, and added another 15 pounds to it.
I’m pretty much back where I started, close to my highest lifetime weight outside of pregnancy. The last time I weighed this much was back in 2008 – prior to conceiving our first born in 2009. I’m not thrilled to be back here. But honestly, I’m not all that surprised.
This year, I’ve made no weight loss resolutions. It’s not because I don’t think I can lose the weight. I know I can, if I put forth the effort. What I’m less sure of is whether or not I can keep it off. Study after study has shown that maintaining weight loss is the real struggle. The majority of those who lose weight gain most, if not all, of the weight back within a few years time. Which really makes me wonder, do I want to bother even trying to lose a significant amount of weight if the likelihood of keeping it off is slim to none? Is it worth the struggle?
Shedding Weight … and Gaining an Identity Crisis
As I face this decision, I look back to when I did it before. Once I was seeing results, I loved it. I generally felt pretty great. Everywhere I turned, people I barely knew were congratulating me on how wonderful I looked, and commenting on what an inspiration I was. People smiled at me more. I got noticed more at work. Strangers even were nicer to me. I mean, I have Resting Nice Face. And really cute kids.
I was used to people being nice. But that stepped up as I lost weight.
My co-workers and boss took me more seriously. All this really drove home the fact that fat-shaming is real. I think most people don’t even do it intentionally. It just seems to happen organically. Strangely enough, these comments did not really have the intended impact. They made me wonder, if I look great *now*, how bad did I look before? and I’m not trying to inspire anybody. This journey kinda sucks. It’s not for everybody.
As the weight fell off, I started having an identity crisis. My whole adult life I’ve been plus size. A curvy girl. Voluptuous. My favorite: Zaftig. What would I be when I wasn’t those things anymore? When people asked for advice on where to buy plus size clothes, or what baby carriers worked well for a plus size mama, would they believe a thinner version of me? I know it sounds silly, but those are the thoughts I had.
And now, as the weight slipped back on, like an unwanted fat suit, I see some of this happen in reverse. And it makes me kind of sad, and more than a little angry. At myself for gaining it back. At the world, for putting such an emphasis on a thinner body. At society, for treating those with thinner bodies better.
Learning to Love Our Bodies and Each Other “Just Because”
If I have a resolution this year it is this — to love my body.
My body is strong. It grew, birthed and nourished three amazing babies. It continues to carry those toddlers, preschoolers, and kindergartner around sometimes.
My body is actually pretty healthy. I have good blood pressure, good cholesterol and blood sugar.
And the hardest one to convince myself of — my body is beautiful. That’s where I need help. It’s where so many of us, as women, regardless of size, need help. We are always convinced that we need to be thinner, blonder, taller, bigger chested, smaller-waisted, more put together, more made up — there is always some aspect of our bodies that is not good enough. And we need to stop the criticizing of ourselves and start reaching out.
Don’t wait until your friend loses weight or changes her hairstyle to tell her how beautiful she is. Do it now. Don’t qualify it. Don’t say, “Your face is so pretty but” . . . . or “I love the color of your hair, if you would only”. . . Just remind your friend of how amazing she is without any if’s, and’s, or but’s. We all need more of this. We need to be reminded our bodies are beautiful. Each and every one of our bodies are worthy of being loved. Because when we love something , we take care of it.
So let’s help each other love our bodies. Maybe then we will stop punishing ourselves with fad diets and expensive supplements. We will begin to treat our bodies well by nourishing ourselves with good, whole, delicious food that we want to eat. We will move because it feels good to move, because it makes us happy. We will do the things that spark joy, simply because they spark joy, not because we think should be doing them, or whether or not we think we look good doing them.
And you know what? We might lose weight. Our clothes might fit better. We just might have a little more energy. At the end of the day, we may be healthier people. But the most important thing is that I’ll go to bed loving the body I live in. It’s the only one I get, and I need it to keep on chugging for a long time yet. I might as well enjoy the ride.
