What Postpartum Depression Feels Like

This post is dedicated to all the mamas who know the depths of postpartum depression.
There is hope, there is help, keep fighting!

Dear Happy Mama,

I cannot tell you how incredibly hard it is to express what I am going through.

Depression is hard to describe, because mental illness symptoms aren’t always clear-cut, and the cure isn’t usually immediate.

Did you know that when the placenta leaves your body, much of those “happy” pregnancy hormones also exit? I cry after every breastfeeding session too, because of the hormones flooding my body. Everything feels so out of control and all my efforts to keep it together seem useless.

I wish you had stayed longer sometimes when you visited, just to keep me company. I expected you to read my mind, instead of telling you how I felt. I realize now that was unfair and I should have tried harder to explain.

Honestly though, I often feel silly saying out loud what rages inside. It is difficult to open up to a person who has never experienced this wild roller coaster ride before.

After all, who would understand why I cry over how cute the tiny curl is on top of my baby’s head? I confess, even I don’t get it.

“Why are you so sad when you got everything you have ever wanted? Shouldn’t you be happy and thankful?,” you ask me every time.

Oh, how I long to help you understand that my scary emotions and beautiful circumstances go hand in hand. That’s the tragedy of it: the guilt consumes me, because I feel incapable of completely embracing the precious gift I was given.

A sheer curtain, that’s what depression is like. The semi-transparent veil covers you, leaving you able to see, but not clearly. The curtain keeps your body tangled, so every task is harder to accomplish. You don’t know where it came from and you have no way to know if it ever will be removed..

I saw you looking at me at the doctor’s office, when I bawled my eyes out in the waiting room. I knew you were surprised and curious when the nurse gently took my arm and led me to a private room.

No, I don’t exactly know why I cried.

I think I was grieving. The growing belly I’d enjoyed so much was gone. In the same room where I waited for many prenatal checkups, I realized that the blissful expectation of my now-reality is over.

I needed to find the new ground to stand on, but I was only slipping.

It all feels uncontrollable.

My entire world turned upside down and I was overjoyed and terrified all at the same time. I know you feel it too — being a new mom is hard — but it paralyzes me.

I heard you telling me to try to get over it, that there’s nothing to cry about. Just be strong, do something productive and I will feel better. Oh, how I wish that were the truth.

Don’t you know how I struggle each day to just get in the shower? When I do, I am proud of myself. When I put my makeup on and fix my hair too, I achieve something truly unthinkable for the day.

No, I don’t neglect or want to leave my baby, but I am sure some women do feel that way.

I wish you knew just how much I need somebody to sit with me and listen even when I  make no sense. Postpartum depression has nothing to do with sense, and everything to do with hormones and emotions gone haywire.

I am in desperate need of permission to feel, without having to hold it in or hide.

When you first told me about taking an anti-depressant, I stood in disbelief that you wanted me to take a drug while nursing my baby. I should have realized, you knew what you were talking about seeing it from the outside, because I just kept spiraling down. Some of us need guidance to try the right treatment, because we are so scared to make the first steps on an unknown road.

Please don’t joke and say they are happy pills. Far from it. Anti-depressants aren’t making anybody happy. Rather, coping with life and solving problems become possible without breaking into a million little pieces in the process.

Did you know that after I started taking the medicine, it still took a whole week before it worked?

Did you know that I feel hopeless, and scared to death that all these emotions will never end!?!? I need you to remind me it’s hormonal, that there’s help and that my condition is treatable. I need to have people beside me who believe in me, who can help me better understand the process in my body.

I am in deep need of non-judgmental friends who hold their tongue, clean up my messy house, help me get out of bed and play with my children for a few hours.

I admit, I feel jealous sometimes that you seem so joyful and carefree. I long to experience life without the curtain of depression over me. But I had to realize, neither of us can help what we go through. I can still make a decision to fight and not slip into self-pity.

Some days, I feel judged and it hurts deeply. I sense the expectation to get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself. After all, nobody lives happy all the time. So, how hard can it be to just do what I am supposed to?

Actually, close to impossible.

The days are spent with mostly up and down emotions. When a sense of calm is present and life feels like what it should be, a small light of hope shines that maybe it’s all over. Then, when the debilitating guilt and gut-wrenching anxiety hits, there’s nothing that helps besides waiting for the storm to pass. Depression is a lonely, scary road to walk. The cycle feels non-ending and there’s little relief in knowing that it’s “normal” after giving birth.

The fighter inside me will never accept this state as normal, and I refuse to stay on medicine forever. But for now, I am doing my best to take care of myself, so I can be there for my family.

I watch you live your life well, making it look so easy.

I need your positive outlook and relentless energy to rub off on me.

I need your undistorted perspective to help me see the big picture.

I desperately need your company, your kind words and the quietness you provide when I need to pour my aching heart out.

I am proud of you for slowing down and trying to understand such a complex problem.

Motherhood is hard enough even without the burden of postpartum depression and I commend you on the extra effort you put in each and every day to be a great mother AND a supportive friend!

Needing and appreciating you,

Mama with the Blues

* * *

Dear Mama with the Blues,

I am saddened you are going through such a trying emotional state right when you need your sanity the most! It’s shocking that postpartum depression may start as soon as a few hours after delivery!

I watched as you held the most perfect gift you have ever laid your eyes on; yet all you could do is cry, because you didn’t comprehend all the unnerving feelings that all of a sudden haunted you.

I watched you anxiously pacing your house, trying to stay busy and only half-finishing everything, because there was no escaping the violent storm of emotions.

I confess, it is difficult for me to understand all the components…

You see, I am on Cloud 9 since bringing home baby and I assumed everybody else is too. I have heard of postpartum depression, but I thought it meant the initial mood swings I experienced for a few days. They were definitely not debilitating or uncontrollable and went away on their own. I can tell, the real blues stick around for a while.

I feel a bit guilty admitting that my mood is stable without taking pills and I cry only happy tears. I see now that I need to embrace the gift I have been given and make all the moments count without feeling bad for having it easier than you.

After all, neither one of us could have done anything to walk a different path.

Those times you were late for a playdate or didn’t show up for coffee, you must have been struggling to get up and get going. I had no idea!

I am sorry for being judgmental in my mind, when I came by to bring a meal and your house was much messier than I could have ever expected. I can now understand that cleaning was the last thing on your burdened mind.

I wish I had helped you more.

I know now that you need me to just listen, to hold your hand and support you in the right direction. It takes courage to be kinder to yourself and determination to get better. Sometimes, family comes second when you need healing and attendance yourself.

You are worried sick over how that medication will affect your baby, not to mention side effects and the trial and error of which chemical works best.  You aren’t a failure because you accepted help. You are brave to step out despite your fears.

I didn’t know your milk production was low due to the emotional stress! So that’s why you had to supplement with formula, though you have always wanted to exclusively breastfeed. I can’t imagine how disappointed you must have been when your baby wasn’t growing well.

You blamed yourself.

You thought your body was supposed to do the very thing it was created for, effortlessly. But it wasn’t your fault at all.

I don’t see postpartum depression as a cop-out or anti-depressants as a happy pill anymore.

I only see a woman who has done her best to be the best for the ones she loves most.

I see a woman who is trembling inside, but doesn’t give up.

I see a woman who has a burden bigger than herself, and I will be the shoulder who helps to carry it.

Motherhood is hard enough without postpartum depression, so I commend you on the extra effort you put in each and every day to be a great mom AND fight mental illness.

Sending love and encouragement,

Your Biggest Fan

Please leave a comment, telling us about your experience. Don’t hesitate to contact us, or a health care professional, if you need encouragement and support.