I see you there, standing over the sink for the 5th time this week washing bottles and loading the dishwasher. A few moments ago, I saw you clearing the dining room table after dinner. Just before that, I saw you change our son’s diaper and get him ready for bed like you do every night. Right before that, I saw you dancing in the kitchen entertaining our son while cooking dinner without even being asked to. I see you.
I see you there, doing the grocery pick-up, the laundry pick-up, and the daycare pick-up. I see you make the lunches, pack the lunch bags, and bring them out to my car in the morning. I see you read to our son, play blocks on the floor, and play with him outside. I see you clean, fold and put away laundry on the weekend. I see you escort our son out of our bed as you let me sleep in on the weekends. I see you.
I see me, flustered as soon as I wake up because I hit snooze one-too-many-times. I see me running around rummaging through my clothes, the ones that you put away so neatly, to find something to wear. I see me tearing up the bathroom as I try to get ready, I leave my towel on the floor, my bobby pins scattered on the counter like sprinkles even though you just cleaned the bathroom.
I see me angrily asking you if you packed our son’s lunch and got his bottles ready. Of course you did. As you head upstairs to get our son ready for the day, I see me wishing I didn’t snap at you the way I did. I see me feel the guilt and wish I could do better. I see me wishing I was better.
I see me, texting you throughout the day, not to say I love you or that I miss you or that I am thinking about you, but to remind you of tasks that need to be done this week. When I get home, I see me feeling burnt out because of the day and I know you are too. I see me not even asking you how your day was but instead asking you when dinner will be ready. I see me. I see that most days I put you last, whether you realize it or not, I do.
I see us. We pass by in and out the door everyday as we head to work. I see us leave without saying “I love you” or a kiss. I see us, one playing with our son while the other cooks and cleans. I see us, on the computer, watching TV, reading, or answering emails on our phone after we put our son to bed. We used to play games and talk all the time. I see us having conversations about bills, the grocery list, daycare, and stuff we need to get done. I see us. Falling asleep on the couch and going to bed at separate times. I see us going on over a year without a date night. Date nights were so special.
I see him. I see him have a ball with us like we’re the coolest parents ever. I see him reach for both of our hands as we walk around the park. I see him dance and laugh at us as we sing a nursery rhyme together. I see him love his bedtime routine with us. It wouldn’t be the same without both of us there. I see him get so excited when we all play trucks and roll around on the floor. I see him look at both of us with absolute love and admiration. I see him and I see him seeing us.
I know right now is so, so tough. So many times I wish I was better for you. I wish I was the wife you thought you married. I wish I was the mom I always dreamed I’d be. Life is so much harder than I could have ever imagined. Yet, I see you and I see all that you do. I should tell you how much more I love you, not just the dad that you have become, but the husband you have become for me.
I see him seeing us. He sees what we do not always see. He sees the wonder, the magic, the care, and the love that we do not always see. Even though it gets lost sometimes in the day-to-day, it is there. It always has and it always will be and he is proof of that.
Forever and Always,