If you’re here looking for foolproof tantrum stoppers, you must have hit at least 18 months and the tantrums have begun. But, if you think the two’s are terrible, my mother always said the person who invented that phrase did NOT keep the kid until three; three is worse.
Already, there are plenty of posts out there with excellent tips on what statistically works and what does not. And these tips are great, but we all know statistics don’t always apply to your kid.
You know how it goes. You’re in church, a restaurant, or the dreaded grocery store, and your little angel has become a raging pile of snot. Next, that sound – the sound only made by demons and your own offspring at the worst possible moment, or a thousand piccolos blowing up – is wreaking havoc on your eardrums. You’re sweating in embarrassment and trying to stay calm through the bubbling frustration. Don’t freak out, you tell yourself, but junior here gets to freak out, and that’s, frankly, not FAIR.
So, here are some foolproof tantrum stoppers that will absolutely 100% stop that racket.
Blow Up the Entire Earth
Fact: We cannot whine if we don’t exist. I know it sounds rash, but the reasonableness of this option increases as the time the screaming increases. Give it a while, and you’ll start imagining explosions. Honestly, with the world like it is at the moment, who is going to suspect it was you?
Sell Your Kid on eBay
While this isn’t entirely legal, per say, it can be lucrative. You now have money for that vacation and don’t need a babysitter. Next, go further. Quit your job, eat your pets, get a tattoo. Go to prison; get free food and medical care.
Run Away and Never Come Home
San Francisco, Scottsdale, and Pittsburgh have some of the lowest numers of children per household. Or, if you are feeling international, Monaco and Slovenia are some beautiful spots with some of the lowest birthrates of any country. Warning: you will miss these children.
Purposefully Deafen Yourself
It won’t matter if the kid is still screaming. You can’t hear them. Stroll peacefully down the aisle without hearing announcements over the intercom, meltdowns, clattering of displays, neighbors making small talk, rude comments, squeaky carts. Quiet. Just quiet. Forever. You’re getting old and won’t like the new music anyway.
Hand Your Kid Over to the Mom Whose Kid Never has a Tantrum and Let Work Their Mommy Magic
If they really had the secret to making any child keep it together, don’t you think they’d be rich off training them? Don’t you think they would have been on Oprah? If their claim is true, get in on the ground floor. Have them tantrum-proof your kid for free. Problem solved.
Realize Adults have Tantrums too
I see one every time I fly, so I don’t know why people fuss about kids on planes. First, children cannot communicate their emotions. Second, they can’t control their bodies completely yet. Eventually, they will understand how grocery stores work and potties, probably. For now, your day may just be a giant dumpster fire, but the good news is that fire is contained. This phase will end. Stick around. You can make it. We can make it.
Embrace the Tantrum
Let the tantrum wash over you. Vicariously rage through your little one. Compliment or criticize them on their technique, “You can kick better than that!” “Nice tantrum; are you done yet?” People will laugh, and if they don’t, guess what? They had to hear that fit and they don’t even get snuggles, so who is the real loser here?
In all Seriousness, the Best Tips for Tantrum Stoppers are Probably These:
Occasionally, take a vacation for you. Always call for help if you need it. Remember, it’s okay to ignore them sometimes! Don’t use alcohol or violence to cope no matter how many memes you see about it.
You have to keep up your stamina because this garbage will end … and eventually, you’ll have a teenager. Woohoo! Am I right?
