How I Became a Mother :: The Joy Outweighs The Reservations

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Truth be told, I wasn’t that sold on motherhood.

Like my mother, I was very career-oriented and dreamed of working as a lobbyist in Washington, DC, or for an international organization such as the United Nations. I saw long hours and travel in my future, and did not know if a family fit that bill.

I joined the United States Air Force to become an Intelligence Officer and travel the world. And travel I did.

Shortly before leaving for Officer Training School, I met the man who would become my husband. We married at age 25. When we discussed our future and family, we both liked the idea of children, but I insisted we wait a few years. I had some key goals I wanted to accomplish in my career, and I knew from watching my own mother how difficult it was to balance a career and small children. So we agreed to wait until we were 30.

By the time I was 29 years old, I had accomplished some significant goals in my career. Secretly I still had my reservations. Until my best friend had her first child, and I fell in love with that beautiful baby girl.

I also realized that life would not stop when baby arrived. I watched my best friend parent her daughter and still manage to have a life of her own. I was still a little unsure but also knew that I would never be 100% ready to take this leap into motherhood. So, my husband and I decided it was time.

My first pregnancy was very easy. I had a small amount of nausea and discomfort, but for the most part, I felt wonderful. I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. I still felt anxious about what life would be like as a working mother, but there was no turning back at this point.

And then I became a mother. The moment I laid eyes on my beautiful baby boy, my fears, worries, and reservations melted away.

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My beautiful baby boy
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First time mommy

But I’m not going to lie. I did have a difficult time adjusting to being a mother. But when he was almost two, that urge to have another newborn kicked in, and in December 2009, our little princess came along.

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My princess

She was the happiest, most loving baby. So, since my husband and I were both the 3rd of 4 children, we decided not to stop there.

When my daughter was 15 months old and my son was just barely 4, I became pregnant a 3rd time. This time, we were shocked to find out there were TWO buns in the oven. But at the twenty-week ultrasound, we learned our identical twin girls were suffering from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS), a disease of the placenta that affects about 20% of identical twins. They were very sick, and at that point, it was believed neither would live. I was able to carry them until I was 30 weeks pregnant, through three hospitalizations and numerous procedures to try to give them a better chance.

On December 10, 2011, after almost five weeks of being in the hospital on 24/7 fetal monitoring, the girls decided to come. Because of the TTTS, Kathryn was swollen with fluids and “Tiny” was growth restricted. She weighed 1lb 10 oz. Kathryn suffered from many issues as a result of the TTTS, and they were never able to stabilize her. She passed away after only two days. Tiny spent 84 days in the NICU and finally got to come home. She is now a healthy two-year-old.

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Kathryn
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Tiny

Motherhood certainly has its challenges. There are still many days when I still wonder if this was a job I was truly cut out for. But I have three children to care for, and they bring far more joy than I could have ever imagined.

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Life isn’t always easy, but I’m so lucky to be the mother to these little ones.
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Alexa Bigwarfe
Alexa Bigwarfe is a mother to 3 wildlings who keep her on her toes. She is an advocate, activist, speaker, author & author coach, publisher, and podcaster. Her writing career began after her infant daughter passed away at 2 days old and she turned to writing for healing. Since then, she has used her writing platform for advocacy and activism to support mothers, children, and marginalized voices. She began a nonprofit, Sunshine After the Storm, to provide support, care, healing retreats, and grief recovery to mothers in their most difficult time. She is the creator and co-host of the Lose the Cape podcast, which features moms working to make a difference in their children's lives and has co-authored and published four volumes under the Lose the Cape brand. Her primary business is Write|Publish|Sell, a company dedicated to shepherding authors through the massive process of writing and publishing their books like a pro. She owns her own publishing house, Kat Biggie Press, and a children's book publishing company, Purple Butterfly Press - both dedicated to bringing stories of hope, inspiration, encouragement, and girl-power to the world. Learn more at alexabigwarfe.com.

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