I suffer from a major case of mom guilt.
I’m not sure I have ever felt like I measure up. This is something I know all moms feel, but it definitely doesn’t feel any better when you’re the one feeling it.
These two tiny humans I carried deserve far more than I have to give, and that’s not something I’ll ever be okay with. I want to give them everything their heart desires, everything they need and more, but my husband and I can’t do that.
Does that mean I’m a bad mom? Because my kids don’t have college funds and will have to rely on scholarships, grants and loans? I don’t envision being able to buy them a car. Am I a bad mom for that too? Because they’ll have to bum rides from their more-well-off friends? I just don’t know sometimes.
I want to be able to pay for karate for my son. (My mom currently pays for it.) He needs new uniforms, too. I’d love to be able to buy him some new ones, rather than the karate pants he has now that are like high-water pants on him with a full view of his ankles. I hate that I can’t always find clothes for him on the swap and have to lay things away rather than just being able to pick out what he wants and bring it home the same day.
When there’s a cool club or activity at school, I wish I could afford for him to participate. I wish I could show him the flyers they send home, and ask him if he wants to participate — and not have to say no. So I just don’t show him. And it kills me every time. And even if he doesn’t need it… I wish I could buy him every single thing on his Christmas list.
When it’s time for my daughter, Elind, to start dance and cheerleading, my mom will probably have to pay for that too. It isn’t something I will feel okay with. I don’t like needing her help.
I’d love for Elind to be able to go to preschool when she turns three, but there’s no money for that. Somehow, someway, I’ll have to find a way to teach her myself (which, might I add, I suck horribly at). I feel like she’s being short-changed because she won’t be able to start preschool like the majority of her peers, simply because we can’t afford it.
My deep-seated insecurities as a mom aren’t only about money, though. I ask myself all the time…
“Have I played with my kids enough today? I should have played with my kids more today.”
“Why didn’t I read to Grayson today? He shouldn’t always read alone.”
“I should have sat down with Elind and worked on her sign language today.”
I’m always wondering if I’ve done enough, played with them enough, yelled too much, been too mean. I wonder if they know I love them, and if they know how I couldn’t breathe without them.
I know we always want more for our kids… that’s normal. But is what we’re doing enough? Am I failing my children in some way? Do they deserve a better mom?
On one hand, it keeps me on my toes and keeps me always trying to do better. But on the other, this (probably undeserving) feeling of not being enough is exhausting. I try so hard to be the best, and sometimes I’m honestly too tired to do more than what I’m already doing.
Maybe the trick is knowing that you love your kids, and knowing that you’re as much as blessing to them as they are to you. If that’s not the trick, it’s at least a start.
Simone, I can SO relate! In fact, some time go I wrote down some of my thoughts about not feeling like I was enough: http://www.thissideofheaven.weebly.com/home/enough.html. Thank you for your article!
Thank you so much! I’m so glad you understand my feelings.
So much of this spoke to my heart, including not telling my son about the flyers. Thank you for sharing your heart and vulnerability.
Thank you for appreciating me bearing it all. It definitely wasn’t easy. Every time I see the flyers I feel down that he can’t participate and every time they hand them out at karate and he asks to go I feel even worse.
I felt like this every day when my son was a child. Now he is a parent himself and it warms my heart to see how tender he is with his daughter. It is only now that I feel confident that I did enough right. My son did very well in college, has already established himself in his chosen field, loves his work, is happily married to a doctor and they are amazing parents to their little girl. If I can’t take full credit for how amazing he is, at least I know I didn’t mess him up too badly.
it sure sounds like you raised a great guy! I’m both petrified and ecstatic to see how my kids come out because for me it’ll be the true test of how well I’ve done my job.
This is beautiful. Truly beautiful. But you were given those precious children because they need YOU. No one else. YOU. At the end of the day being a mother is being a human in a relationship with other humans … the rest is just stuff. That doesn’t make it easier, certainly, but YOU are enough. Thank you for sharing.
thank you so much. This is definitely a daily struggle for me.
Your kids knowing that you are there and that you are trying is more than enough. A great friend told me once that all you kids need is you to be there, be “present”. best advice I ever heard and my son now 17 seems to have benefited from that advice.
I try to remind myself to be there even when I’m feeling frustrated because you can see how much it means to them.
Really appreciate you sharing, it’s not easy being raw. Just putting your “guilt” out there means you’re the mom your babies need. Wanting the moon for our kiddos is more than giving it to them I think. Our culture is indulgent at times but what you may be giving them is invaluable. Thank you
You are giving them the gift of you momma! Hang in there!
Thank you so much!
Thank you for sharing. I struggle constantly with the mother I wish I were and the mother I actually am. I’m working really hard on living in the moment and knowing that I am doing my best. It’s good to know I am not alone.
Stuff does not make a child, their parents love does. God will supply your needs and your children’s needs. Wants are a bonus, not a requirement. Only you, and your husband, can supply a parent’s love, the single most important thing in every child’s life. Hug them, and kiss them, and look into their eyes every time you talk to them. Tell them how much you love them often and with passion. Then they will grow up to be strong and confident and happy. And when the day comes they will take care of you, and love you the way you loved them.