Once upon a time, I was a woman in her twenties who knew exactly what she wanted out of life. I had a solid career path, enjoyed success, and defined myself first and foremost by the job I spent 50 to 60 hours of every week. I loved what I was doing, and I knew where it was going to take me.
Somewhere mixed in those goals of mine, in the back of my mind, was the plan to one day have children with my husband. Eventually. That turned out to be several years away, and when it did happen I was amazed at how quickly I developed some new goals.
Seeing the face of my oldest daughter in the minutes after she came into this world changed everything I ever thought I wanted out of life. I would be the same person to her (I hoped) that my mother was to me — my role model, my safe place, my compass. Just like that, all of my priorities shifted. Being her mother became my defining characteristic.
I continued to work full time, but when my second daughter came along nearly four years later, I made the decision not to return to work. If you had told that twenty-something, workaholic woman that she would end up a stay-at-home mom, she would have laughed at you. But that woman was definitely gone now.
Now three years in, I can honestly say I consider myself very fortunate to be able to stay home full time with my daughters. It was the right choice for me, and for my family. I love what I do. But my choice did not come without sacrifice, and while the day-to-day of raising two small children is challenging, I have learned that the bigger challenge comes from inside my own head.
Being a SAHM requires a thick skin, but not because of my children. Yes, they can wear me out. Yes, I have tough days. But I knew going into it that raising children was tiring work, and that kids do, in fact, act like kids.
The thick skin is required because of that voice in my head that asks if I could be doing more, now that I am no longer a working mom.
I wholeheartedly agree that there is no more important job than raising children, but my old job gave that somewhat immediate feedback that we so often want — I got performance reviews, I got the pats on the back, I got promotions, I got a paycheck. The rewards of parenting are endless and infinitely better, but the real results of what we do in raising our children are sometimes not realized until after days, weeks, months, even years of work. And let’s face it, it’s not our kid’s job to tell us how we’re doing or congratulate us on the results.
My other adjustment after not returning to work was to brace myself for some of the thoughtless things said to me at times. I think my favorite so far has been from a fellow soccer mom, which was something along the lines of “I couldn’t be a stay-at-home mom. I can’t stand not being busy.” I still want a medal for holding my tongue over that one.
Also, it can be hard to be the only adult in a room who is not asked how work is going – and therefore not asked much at all. Even though I manage my family’s finances. Even though I homeschool five days a week, and spend the other two thinking about and planning for the following week. Even though I have hobbies, and talents, and interests. There seems to be no bigger conversation starter among adults other than what we do to earn a living.
But then again, I always answer those “what do I do for work” questions with stories about my daughters, so maybe I was the reason I felt so one-dimensional. Maybe I had created my own rut, and given myself one definition.
I started to realize I had gone from someone so certain of who I was and where I was headed, to someone full of self-doubt and uncertainty, even though I was doing what I loved most.
It has become my goal to silence that voice in my head that tells me I am not doing enough. I want to prove that voice wrong, but in the right way, and for the right reasons. I want to silence it by reclaiming my identity in addition to being a mom.
The “mom” title is the one I cherish above anything else. But we shouldn’t be any one definition. Yes, I am doing the most important job there is. No, I don’t wish I was working instead. But I am learning that at least for me, adding more definitions outside of “mom” is very important and fulfilling.
The realization has caused me to pick up old hobbies and to try new ones, as well as try new places and experience different things. It has made me spend more time with friends and go on more dates with my husband. It has made me busier than before, but more willing to actually relax when I get the chance rather than feeling guilty for not accomplishing more.
My uncertainty at times has challenged me to become more of who I want to be. So not only do I love being a mother and watching my children grow but also love being myself and appreciating the personal growth that comes with it. I’ve realized that being my best self is making me better at the thing I cherish most, being a mother. And that’s the best lesson yet.
