To be blunt, it’s all a matter of words. So we should have been just fine; we’re both lovers of the written language. We even watched a full Great Courses lecture series on linguistics and discussed together how the very word “sorry” means different things in different cultures. But still, I could tell I was missing the mark with my own apologies to him.
A lot of marriage counseling includes thoughts from Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages. In it, we’re encouraged to strengthen our relationship by realizing the two of us may have differing, or preferred, ways to both show and receive love.
I recommend the book. It just wasn’t enough for us.
Love language knowledge was beautiful to preempt conflict, but not so helpful when it already happened. We went years confused with conflict resolution, wanting more. And we’ve not perfected it. But another of Chapman’s books, The Five Languages of Apology, became key in understanding even more of our differences.
With co-author Jennifer Thomas, Chapman lays out the five distinct parts of the apology laid out below in bullet points. Some apologies contain several of these elements, but as in Love Languages, this book claims that each of us has a preferred apology type that we look for when another says, “I’m sorry.”
I wondered where I was among the five apology languages:
- Express regret
- Accept responsibility
- Request forgiveness
- Genuinely repent
- Make restitution
So I took the multiple choice quiz. The quiz itself helps you begin to see the language differences. I declare my preferred apology language is different for different types of situations. What’s good for forgetting to take out the trash is not enough for forgetting my birthday. But I definitely settled in on one particular. And it was not the one I expected. I also made guesses about which choice my husband would make. (I haven’t gotten him to agree to the quiz yet.)
The book has been released under a new title When Sorry Isn’t Enough. But I’m challenging you to skip it all right now and go straight to the free online quiz. It’s enough to show you a lot about words – and yourself.
Tell us. What apology language fits you? And do you see it most at home, at work, or in friendships…