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Pregnancy After Loss :: Dealing With Anxiety

Pregnancy After Loss - Dealing With Anxiety - Columbia SC Moms BlogWe’re now just sixteen weeks into our pregnancy and I have to confess that when the little plus sign showed up on my E.P.T test I freaked out a little. Yes, I was really excited {I sort of knew it already based on some signs my body was giving me}, and my heart leapt when my suspicions were confirmed. But my heart also raced and anxious thoughts ran through my head about this little one.

I called my doctor’s office that morning and let them know I was pregnant, according to the stick, and asked how soon they would bring me in for an appointment. I really only cared about an ultrasound.

I also reminded the sweet nurse that I had a partial molar pregnancy last year … my one year wait was not yet completed yet … AND I was on birth control when this happened.

In my mind I was thinking that since our year wait was not over {May was our anniversary date and we found out in March}, we could possibly experience the same thing as we did last year with our loss.

My heart grew anxious.

I talked to my best friend and shared with her all my anxious thoughts. She reassured me everything would be okay.

“This is a God thing,” she said and I knew she was right.

Even when trying to tell yourself … or remind yourself … that yes, you ARE pregnant, your mind races constantly with all the “what ifs” and “will I lose this one too?” You can’t help but wonder … “will I ever be able to have another baby again if I lose this one too?”  You literally could drive yourself crazy going through all the thoughts and questions, if you let yourself.

I reminded myself daily of truths that I know. If I lose this baby, it will be okay. I will be okay. Yes, there will be sadness. Yes it will be difficult. But we will get through it like we did last year. There are a lot of people who love us and our family, and the support will be there.

One thing that I know without a doubt is that the God of all creation loves me. He allowed me to become pregnant when there were measures in place to “prevent” it. If He chooses to allow me to carry this little miracle the 40 or so weeks to birth, we will be more than overjoyed to meet this little one. I hung hang onto the grace He gives me every day.

We held off on announcing our news to the world, until that 12 week appointment. By that point we had two ultrasounds, showing signs of fetal growth and none of molar activity.  Some of the anxiety was subsiding, but there were still those thoughts that would creep in and try to steal my joy.

“We just need to get to the 12 week appointment,” my husband said as we considered letting people know before that date.

That morning as we waited in the lobby my stomach was in knots. I felt sick to my stomach with the anxiety I was dealing with. My boss sent me an email asking how I was doing. I replied that we were waiting to hear the heartbeat and as reminder to myself of this day last year, I included “The Lord is my portion says my soul…” He replied with the rest of the verse, “…therefore, I will hope in Him. Lam 3:24.”

I rested in knowing that either way, we would be okay. I hope in the Lord and His goodness to me.

A few interesting facts to share with you about this pregnancy … the dates are basically spot-on to our dates from last year. My due date last year was 11/29. This year it’s 11/28. The doctor for my 12 week appointment last year, who didn’t find the heartbeat and thus had that really crappy conversation with us after the ultrasound confirmed what we all knew … was also the same doctor {out of all the docs in this practice} that I was scheduled to see again this year for our 12 week appointment. That’s just weird…

I was trying to suppress those stupid thoughts that were crowding my mind about this whole thing.

We got in the room and I could hear the heartbeat of another baby in the next room. I laid down on the bed and watched my husband check his phone … silently praying that this baby would have a strong heartbeat. That he or she would still be alive and that we wouldn’t have to go through the same ordeal from last year again.

Our doctor came in and after a few little introductions, grabbed the doppler and I took a deep breath.

“That’s your heartbeat,” he said.

Clearly I am alive I thought … and I didn’t really care to hear mine at this very moment, but I understood why he was telling me which one was mine…

“That’s the baby.”

I looked at Andrew and we both smiled.

“Praise the Lord,” I said.

Relief swept over me.

“Strong heartbeat of around 150 bpm. That’s good,”  he finished.

According to Google, the average heart rate of a baby at 12 weeks is 150. {insert really big smile emoji with massive heart eyes}

I wanted to blast it all over social media, but refrained because my husband had a plan for that.

Meanwhile, I texted and called the close friends who were already in the know to tell them the appointment went well. Thankful for all of those who had prayed for us and our baby that morning, and who continue to do so; the prayers are an enormous blessing to me.

While my belly continues to show signs of pregnancy, there’s a part of me that wishes I had one of those little doppler things so I could listen to the sweet heartbeat whenever I wanted … which, to be honest, would be like every hour on the hour … just that bit of confirmation.

I know I have no control over the life of this baby. So I pray for health. I pray for growth. I pray for all those things that we as moms-to-be pray for in our little ones. I don’t have a preference for boy or girl – we have one of each – I  simply ask that this little one be healthy, strong and courageous.

As I wait to meet him or her, I can’t say that there won’t be anxious moments or days. I would be kidding myself to say that there wouldn’t be. But what I will do in those moments and days is rest in the hope that I have a God who loves me and He loves this little one.

Everything else I just have to let go…

Have you experience pregnancy after loss? What was your experience?

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One Response to Pregnancy After Loss :: Dealing With Anxiety

  1. Kristi Bothur July 14, 2016 at 11:40 pm #

    Michelle, this is beautiful. If you (or anyone else else who is PAL) would like some additional encouragement, you can download for free a weekly devotional for the PAL journey at http://www.rainbowsandredemption.weebly.com. It is something that a friend and I and eight other PAL women wrote when I was pregnant with my rainbow son. Our Naomi’s Circle group also has a Pregnancy After Loss monthly support group. For more information on that, contact me at [email protected]

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