Ah, the terrible twos. Turns out they’re not so terrible compared to the threes. I thought it was a myth. But a few months before Little Bit’s third birthday, we began seeing the signs. The signs of a threeanger. Think you’re ready to handle one? Take this quiz and find out!
Question 1: You make your threeanger’s favorite dinner. He spends the better part of an hour refusing to eat it. After he declares that he is NEVER going to eat that dinner, you put it away. He then cries hysterically, “But I want to eat it!” Do you…
A. Calmly remind him that he had more than enough opportunity to eat it.
B. Pull your hair out and scream, “REALLY?! You’ve got to be kidding me!”
Question 2: Your threeanger falls. He starts crying. You pick him up and ask if he hurt himself or scared himself. He tells you he hurt himself, so you ask him what hurts. He puts his foot in your face. “You hurt your foot?” you compassionately ask. “NO!” he screams, “I hurt MY SOCK!” Do you…
A. Keep a straight face and lovingly kiss his sock.
B. Laugh until you’re crying too.
Question 3: You’re enjoying a nice stroll through the toy section of your neighborhood pharmacy with your threeanger after making your purchases. You’ve allowed him to pick up and play with each toy. Three times. You’ve patiently given him a heads up that he can play with two more toys and then it’s time to go. When said time to go arrives, your threenager turns into a beast, flailing and screaming at the top of his lungs. Do you…
A. Understand that he’s tired, disappointed, and having trouble expressing himself, so you pick him up and try to comfort him.
B. Drag him – literally – from the store to the car, let him scream himself to exhaustion in the backseat, and open the bottle of wine that you thank God you had the foresight to buy.
Question 4: You pick your threeanger up from daycare and asks if he wants to go to TJ’s, one of his favorite stores. He seems tired and says, “We go home?” About 20 minutes into the drive – and away from TJ’s now – your threeanger says, “I wanna go to TJ’s now.” When you explain that you’re too close to home to turn around, he starts crying hysterically. Do you…
A. Sing his favorite song to calm him down, then do your best to explain in basic terms the concept of living with your choices.
B. Turn up the music as loud as it will go.
Question 5: You walk downstairs after getting dressed and your threeanger tells you that you need shoes. You put them on and he cries, “No! Not THOSE shoes! (sob) You want to wear other shoes!” Do you…
A. Get another pair of shoes and turn the moment into a fun game of mix and match.
B. Go back upstairs and lock yourself in your room.
If you chose mostly As:
Can you watch my child? Until he’s four?
If you chose mostly Bs:
Welcome to the Club of “OMG, where did my sweet child go?!” Buckle up, sister; it may feel like a long ride, but know you’re not alone. And no, you cannot anonymously leave your threeanger at the fire station. I’ve asked. For a friend.