Here I am sitting in the car as Milo, my 6 month old son, naps in the backseat (#momlife). I’m sitting here and it hits me for the first time that I’m just a day away from my first Mother’s Day. I am a mother. I say these words out loud and they feel strange to me. Motherhood is something I longed for year after year and now I have found my place in it.
There was part of me that thought this day would never come. Through the infertility treatments and the adoption wait I kept my faith, but part of me truly feared that no matter what I did I would never be a mother. For some reason I feared that maybe I wasn’t worthy of the role. I believe, to an extent, this is a normal feeling. I think a lot of women who struggle with infertility (especially primary infertility) worry about this. During our wait I would think to myself, maybe there’s a reason I’m not a mother yet. Maybe I’m not cut out for it or maybe the world knows something I don’t. But every time I felt myself overwhelmed by my own negativity I would ask myself … why would I feel this burden on my heart, this calling to motherhood, if it wasn’t meant to be?
Then I met Milo and everything made sense.
Suddenly it all seemed so insignificant to me. Every negative pregnancy test, every pill, every shot, all the fundraising, and all the waiting was all just a distant memory. It was clear to me that all the heartache along my journey to motherhood was leading up to this moment. To me holding my new son in my arms.
I don’t want to discount our struggles to become a family. It was a hard road. There are women all over the world struggling with their own difficult journeys to motherhood. I can promise you this though, I would totally do it all again. I would do it all a hundred times over to be Milo’s mother. The world absolutely knew better than me. It knew about Milo long before I did, and all I had to do was be patient. As I sit here and look back at his sweet face I haven’t forgotten about the struggles we faced to get to this point, but I can now look back on them with a little less sadness.
And one last thing…
I would be doing a disservice to our adoption story if I didn’t take a moment to reflect on another very important mother in our lives, Milo’s first mom. She gave me the gift of motherhood and has entrusted me and my husband in raising our son. There are few honors greater than being chosen to adopt. We are blessed with an open adoption and it is my hope that she is always proud of the parents we are. I hope that she always knows how grateful we are for her, her love, and her friendship.
Wherever you are in your motherhood journey, whether you’re on your way or you’ve already arrived, I hope your day is beautiful.