The Reality of Adoption With the Conspicuous Family

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November iss National Adoption Month and with this comes the reminders of the hurt, brokenness, trauma, beauty and miracle that is adoption. For a variety of reasons, my children could not remain with their first families. And, while most days, we go through life like any other family, there are always those moments where I am starkly reminded that our family was formed differently than the traditional family. Life, for the conspicuous family, can be a bit more complicated.

On one occasion, my friend was pushing my daughter in a carriage while I had my son in another behind her. After a few aisles in the grocery store she looked at me and said “Do this many people stare at you when you are pushing her?” I had never really noticed. We are a family that looks different and that’s of interest to people because we are uniquely matched.

On a different day, I was walking through a department store and my daughter was walking several feet ahead of me. A kind, well-meaning woman stopped my daughter, assuming she was lost, and told her that she was going to find her mother. I looked at her and said “I am her mother.” The woman was embarrassed and apologized and the reality that my daughter and I looked nothing more like strangers was so sad to me. Our mother-daughter bond was invisible to the casual observer.

But, most people who give a second glance or look a little-longer-than-usual either want to share the impact of their adoption story or inquire about the process. Below are some ways you can discuss adoption in front of a conspicuous family without causing pain and confusion to the little ears that are surely listening.

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Our conspicuous family visiting the Statue of Liberty

Helpful Ways to Discuss Adoption in Front of a Conspicuous Family

Say: “You have a beautiful family, where were your children born?” Not: “Are these your real children?” My children know their adoption story as best as their little minds will process. At the very least, they were born in another country. They know we are a real family. Overhearing a stranger ask if our family is “real” is confusing and upsetting to them.

Say: “Were your children born in the same part of the country?” Not: “Are they real brother and sister?” I understand the curiosity behind the notion that my children may or may not be biologically related. However, asking me, in front of my children, if they are real siblings brings about defensiveness from my kids. When we were asked this in the grocery store, my son replied “yes, she’s my real sister” and looked at me and said “why would she ask that?” Good question: why would you ask that?

Say: “Tell me about the adoption process.” Not: “How much did they cost?” Yes, adoption is an expensive process, but it’s only one aspect of a physically, emotionally and financially trying process. I promise that if I tell you about the adoption process, it’s much more fascinating to know that we were required to be fingerprinted five times (because fingerprints change?) in a three year period than how much we paid in legal fees.

Say: “What made you decide to adopt from Korea?” Not: “Why didn’t you adopt a child from the United States? There’s plenty of kids here who need homes, too.” My snarky thought bubble will say “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces of me and sticks to you … why haven’t YOU adopted domestically?” But, what will come out of my mouth is something more politically correct along the lines that we researched several different ways for adoption to grow a family, and this one fit our family best.

Although National Adoption Month is sure to highlight conspicuous families like ours, families formed through adoption are not the only conspicuous families around. Tell us about your conspicuous family and the challenging and joyous encounters it has brought to your life!

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Kristen McGuire
Kristen is a wife, mother and full-time special education teacher. Born in Connecticut, she has lived in Washington, DC, North Carolina and now happily calls Columbia home. Her children, the tortoise and the hare, were adopted from South Korea and are now 7 and 4. This “Dawson’s Creek” enthusiast was convinced if she scored a spot as an extra on the show, a famous actor would fall in love with her and whisk her away to pursue a life of parties and Prada. She scored the spot, but not the actor. With a chronic case of Wanderlust, she can be found day-tripping throughout the Carolinas and planning excursions to visit family across the US. She could be a contestant on "World's Worst Cook" as she has ruined instant pudding not once...but twice.

2 COMMENTS

  1. My wife and I have adopted two little boys, Zachary and Ameri, from the Department of Social Services. Presently, we are also in the process of adopting a third little man, Logan, who is currently our foster child, but should be fully adopted within the next year. Over the past eight years, my wife and I have fostered 22 littles, from birth to 3 years of age. Ameri, Zachary, and Logan are 3 of those 22, and the only ones that came free for adoption, after the parents’ rights were terminated-a necessary step to free these children for adoption. Our boys may all be different in color from Leslie and I, but inside we are as close as a biological family. Our children are “OUR CHILDREN”, and they know it. We show them immense amounts of love, caring, empathy, and guidance. If you saw how our family interacted with one another, you would think we were a biological family. We are close, comfortable, and committed to our boys, as they are with Leslie and I. I would not change anything we have done in the past eight years. It has created so much fulfillment in all our lives!:) We wish you all the best, and will pray for your beautiful family. The Perkins Family

  2. Jesse, This is a wonderful story! Adoption comes from such a hard broken, place and it would be preferable if the world was perfect and all children were able to stay with their first families. However, we know this is not the case for so many and we celebrate loving, wonderful families regardless of how the family is formed. Blessings to you and yours!

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